The Three Phases of Me

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my life in distinct phases: Adventure, Understanding, and Feeling. As a child, I was drawn into books of adventure and fantasy, longing for the day I could break free from the shackles of primary school tuition. I imagined myself wandering through magical forests, living in an abandoned boxcar with fairies. My imagination was heavily influenced by authors like Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl, and eventually J.K. Rowling. Real life felt incredibly boring—growing up in rural Selangor with nothing but empty fields and deserted roads. I invented my own adventure games, exploring abandoned houses, streams, and lakes (daring now that I think about it). I climbed trees, wishing I had a tree house like the ones in American movies. I desperately wanted to experience magic. I devoured every book I could get my hands on, hoping for a magical portal to appear in my closet and lead me to Narnia. But that day never came. The magical life I created in my head never materialized, and slowly, I stopped caring. I grew up.

By my early 20s, I was confused and perplexed by the world. Adventure and fantasy seemed trivial in the face of reality. Death, destruction, war, injustice—these were the things that plagued my mind. How are humans so unkind? How is it possible that people get away with war? Why do people hate more than they love? Isn’t love and peace what everyone strives for? I immersed myself in non-fiction, seeking answers in political theory, philosophy, psychology, sociology, religion, science—anything that could help me understand. I went through the worst existential crisis of my life, desperately trying to make sense of the world. Huge life challenges pushed me further, forcing me to confront the truth, hoping I could find a perspective that acknowledged these unpleasant realities but still gave me peace.

Somehow, miraculously, I got there. It took reading countless bestsellers in every category and journaling religiously every day. Then, suddenly, non-fiction didn’t inspire me anymore. The books started repeating themselves, regurgitating the same ideas in different ways, and I became bored. I no longer needed to understand. I’d made peace with injustice and human nature. I even thought, “Maybe my love for reading was just a phase,” and pivoted to TV shows and series for that quick dopamine hit. It worked for a while, but TV could only satisfy my eyes, not my soul.

Then I entered my next phase: Feeling. I picked up fiction again—specifically, fantasy—and everything changed in an instant. After years of the worst reading slump, my love for books came back with a vengeance. I devoured fantasy novels, downloading one after another, reading back-to-back at every spare moment. These books made me feel again. They opened the floodgates to emotions I’d kept locked away while I was busy "intellectualizing" life in my 20s. It was like opening Pandora’s box. Through these stories, I found a way to explore and process complex emotions—love, hate, anguish, jealousy, desire—using fictional characters as vessels for my own healing and understanding.

I’m still in this phase, happily exploring life through these stories, crying with them, laughing with them—feeling more through fictional characters than I ever could with real people. Fantasy books have become a safe space for me, a place to explore difficult emotions without having to confront them in real life (not that I’d want to—I try to keep my real life as drama-free as possible). As a child, I cared most about the plot in these stories—What happens next? Where are we going? Now, as an adult, I care more about the why. Why did they do that? Why do they feel this way? It’s amazing to see how much I’ve grown and to be able to reflect on this journey.

I wonder, what would my next phase be?

If I had to guess, it would be "Expression".

My experience in Toxic Workplaces

I've been taking a break from work and social media to REST.

With REST comes loads of reflecting and processing.

I've been reflecting a lot about my journey since i've started being a self employed artist / designer and running my small business. I realized one thing- I love what I do now. It's so much hard work but I feel fulfilled. There's still stress and burn out but whenever that happens, I just take a break and continue again when im all rested up.

Back then in my old 9-5 life with my previous jobs, I worked as much as I do now. The work is the same. But I felt total resentment and exhaustion...straight up depression. I was led to believe that "Work is like that everywhere. You should be grateful you have a job!"

Let me tell you this - What a load of bull crap. THAT IS NOT TRUE. Work is NOT like that everywhere. And you should not be grateful for a job that is toxic EVEN if it feeds your family and pays your bills. Toxic is toxic.

The companies and managers I used to work for, if they pulled the same crap they did to me to the new generation - I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up being slaughtered on Tiktok.

In my reflections, im remembering all the CRAP I tolerated back then from managers. I compare it to what I do now, now that I run my own business, now that I am a *manager* myself, an *owner of a business*. I also go through ups and downs, I also go through stress, but I dont treat people like crap. You CAN work as a team instead of working people to the bone. You CAN make decisions for the wellbeing of your employees. YOU CAN BE NON TOXIC, and have fun working!

It's been 5 years since i've started my small little biz, and since then, I've run really huge collaborations and campaigns. I've worked with so many people, clients and partners. I did it all in a civilized manner, no one got tortured, we still made profits. Nobody was hospitalized! No drama.

I can say confidently now - it's possible to run a company / biz that cares and is non toxic. If you aren't able to that as an employer that means something is wrong with your business - something is wrong with YOU. You are the business owner - the manager - the employer - YOU set the tone of the company culture. Stress is stress, ups and downs of a company is normal - it's HOW to manage these issues that reflect a lot on your character and what you value.

If you dont value the humans that work for you, they will get burnt out, they will leave, you will have a high turnover rate. If you refuse to acknowledge and take accountability on how YOUR actions affect your team, your company will suffer. Productivity WILL suffer. You WILL suffer. I believe that.

When I was younger, green and naive, I blamed myself for not being able to meet targets that my managers have given to me. I blamed myself for not being able to juggle and multitask efficiently enough to meet the standards. Now looking back, I realized I was totally taken advantage of. I was told I was not doing enough when in fact I was exploited. It's easy to exploit those who are clueless like me - we just want to do a good job, and we want to please. We go above and beyond to make it happen. But instead of acknowledging the efforts, irresponsible toxic managers will say things like "You're not doing enough" to make sure you dont actually know you're being exploited. To make sure you dont leave. You stay, and do the work that is hard - THAT THEY KNOW IS HARD - but they dont want you to know that. What I went through is straight up manipulation.

The targets that were set were UNREASONABLE to begin with. Impossible. There was no way anyone could meet the targets. I only figured this out later when I left the company and discovered my ex employer hired a team of 4 people to do the job I was doing. And they couldn't even reach the targets themselves, or even the targets I managed to hit! A team of 4 senior people couldn't do what junior level me was doing!!! And I was the one *not good enough* What??

I was shocked when I learned of that.But I thought - what do I know, ive never run a business before. Im not a Manager, maybe there were things I didn't understand yet, maybe there's a reason they did what they did. Maybe I wasn't seeing *their vision*.

Wrong. I can safely say now, that whole situation I went through was WRONG on so many levels. They were just irresponsible human beings who don't actually know how to run a business and manage people. I've run my own biz for 5 years now, and not once was I in a toxic situation like that. Not even close. Stressful situations, yes. But not toxic. Managers are there to train and guide you - not expect you to know everything and then blame you for not doing it. Companies are supposed to TRAIN anyways. KPI's are meant to be reasonable and achievable. Not beyond what is possible. I know this for a fact now, but I didn't before. Before I thought I had to know it all, magically on my own, and CARRY the company on my back even if it meant I died trying.

So, if you're reading this, and I know a lot of young people read my blog, don't ever allow yourself to get taken advantage of like me. There ARE companies out there that are non-toxic with good managers. Work is stressful but it doesn't have to be toxic. If you have a good team, a good manager that actually cares, even if the work is stressful, you'll still enjoy what you do. You wont get depressed or anxious all the time - that's not a healthy environment no matter what your managers say about it.

I was so stressed back then, that I developed stomach ulcers and I was hospitalized for a week. I didn't really understand that the ulcers were there cause I was under so much stress and anxiety. The CAUSE of the ulcers WAS just that. And you can be the most efficient worker in the world, but if the job is toxic, and you go through prolonged stress and anxiety, you CAN get sick. And thats what happened to me.

I remember being in the hospital and feeling so much GUILT that I wasn't at work. I knew my bosses were upset with me that I wasn't there. I still felt like it was MY FAULT that I was sick and can't *be there for the team*. I wrestled with the guilt, but my body was already breaking down. I slept for a week in the hospital. I had to do a colonoscopy. None of my colleagues even acknowledged that I was in the hospital. Nobody told me to "get well", nobody even messaged me to ask if I was OK. Even in the hospital, away from my work place, I could feel the anger of my managers for not being at work. I couldn't even rest properly because I was so scared of this.

To top that off, I had a trip planned with some friends - I already took leave for that, and paid for the trip. I hardly take leave (because I cant), and this trip was planned way ahead of time. It was coming up. But I was in the hospital, out of work for a week. I was already so stressed about the ulcers, being in the hospital, not being able to work - now I was stressed about the trip.

I asked my doctor - should I immediately get back to work, or should I still go on the trip? Is it advisable to go on a trip? Was I gonna be OK? The doctor said it was a great idea to go on the trip because I needed to calm down. I needed to rest. I needed to get better and recover so I wouldnt have ulcers anymore. I have to manage my anxiety. Give my brain a break. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They encouraged me to go for the trip, rest, relax and rejuvenate. I could stay in contact with them via text anyways, in case anything happened. It was a short beach trip and I had taken Friday and Monday off for it.

So, with the doctors encouragement, I decided to go on the trip and told my managers I was gonna go ahead with my leave (that they have already approved a long time ago) I was discharged from the hospital and the next day I went on the trip. I brought all my meds with me. All my friends knew about the hospitalization, so they took extra care of me. We had a good relaxing time. I felt so much better and I wasn't getting any more painful stomach aches like I had before.

I went back to work right after the trip. The bosses didn't even look up from their tables. One of them asked casually "Okay already?" but in an annoyed tone. Then, my direct manager called me into the meeting room. She was upset with me that I took leave from work to be in the hospital and then go on the trip. She said I wasn't grateful for my job, and I was not a "team player". They were annoyed at me for being sick. I could understand that kinda response if we're in a critical period at work, but we weren't. Plus, its not like I PLANNED to get sick. I was still blamed.

We didn't even have any urgent projects or deadline at the time, nobody died, nobody lost money. Me not being there for a week DID NOT make a difference at all! In fact, my clients and partners were so worried about me - they didn't even care if the work was delayed for a week. They were more concerned that I was OK. But I didn't get the same kind of response from my own managers and bosses. All I felt was more guilt. I still didn't see the toxicity of the situation. I still felt like it was my fault - EVENTHOUGH I was encouraged by the doctors to rest, I still felt like I had to overlook my health FOR THE SAKE OF THE COMPANY.

A little voice inside me said "I dont think im good enough for the job. My body is not good enough to handle the stress and pressure. I should find another job" Even at that point, I still blamed myself and my body for not being good enough. A few months later, my depression hit an all time low. I couldn't get up to go to work anymore. I was crying before I went to work, in the toilets at work, and in the car after work. My managers were putting more and more work on me and continuously telling me I was not doing enough - I didn't have any assistance from anyone. The manager dumped everything on me and went to Fitness class, instead of helping and taking up half of the work. The KPI's were only ON ME, but not on them or the team. Some new people joined the team but left after a few weeks. They were smart. I was...brainwashed.

I eventually left the company. How I managed to do it, I had no idea. I worked at several other places after that, this time, with the awareness of MENTAL HEALTH, and the importance of it. I still stumbled upon toxic managers, but instead of staying, I left as quickly as possible. Eventually, I found my groove, and found places that were HEALTHY- ish. (there's still an "ish" because toxic is everywhere) But healthy enough that I got more pay, with less work, and everyone who works there have been working there for years and years - because they feel loved and cared for. Thats when I slowly started to realize these type of places EXIST, and that I was brainwashed to believe work is meant to be toxic. I realized I was actually a very good and efficient worker, my new managers and bosses appreciated my work, and I thrived.

I went on to do so many big projects and collaborations, while being attached to a company and without. I received many praises and feedback about my professionalism and ideas. I even got a scholarship to fund my studies, my application picked out of 100,000 global applicants. They were so impressed with my CV. I went on to start my business and become self employed. I ran so many partnerships and collaborations on my own - without a team. I have been given so much amazing opportunities as an artist and designer - opportunities that doesn't just happen to ANYONE. So many word of mouth recommendations from people who have worked with me. I have made so many friends and acquaintances from the creative community. All good vibes. All amazing partnerships. My point here is - im actually good at my job. I AM * good enough* and always have been.

But it has taken me all those accomplishments and YEARS to believe that I was actually *not bad*. That toxic job with my toxic managers truly made me believe that I was really bad at what I do. I was brainwashed to the max. I get triggered now when I think about this. The company has been toxic since forever, and I wasn't the only one who thought so. Now I know, but back then I didn't.

So - I was NOT shit. I was efficient, even when I was at a junior level. The kind of projects I ran at that level of experience at that time - I still do now, at my level of experience now. And I have years of experience now compared to before. Sometimes I think back at that time, and im like Holycrap!!! thats a LOT to put on a junior level associate. Thats an incredibly huge amount of responsibility with crazy targets - with no proper training, with little to no assistance, and no real help from the managers! It's just insane to think about it now, now that I know much more about the industry. I would never ever ask a junior level associate to do what I did before. They would shit in their pants. It's a lot to ask for. What I did back then, was a lot. I cant believe I survived. No wonder I have PTSD now.

Obviously, those experiences made me who I am now. Gave me the experience and know how on how to navigate my work and business, but it was a lot to handle. And my managers knew it! Of course they did. But they still led me to believe that I wasn't doing enough. I was already handling more than 20 clients at one time. They knew it, but they just let it be. They still made me believe that I was shit.

If I was shit at what I do, I wouldn't have managed to build what i've built for myself now. I wouldnt have gotten better job offers, I wouldn't have gotten the scholarship, I wouldn't have gotten all the collabs. I can't believe that I believed them. I feel like I just woke up.

That company is not doing well now. I dont believe it is sustainable to run a company like that. It'll bite you in the ass. It took me so long to find my voice about this. Now when I have a voice, I will speak up.

If you ever find yourself in a position like this - like mine, leave, immediately! Don't wait. The PTSD is REAL. Especially if you're junior level and being made to think you're not *doing enough* without getting help or training. Thats why some employers like to hire young people - young, inexperienced employees, have no idea what is *normal* and not normal. They'll just accept what happens. I love that the new generation is more aware of this though. They'll leave as soon as they smell toxic - they are AWARE of what is toxic. Not like me. I wasn't aware.

It's not your fault if a company is not doing well. It's not your fault if you're unwell due to how the company is run. The managers and the bosses are responsible for the well being of their people - and if you're not well, it's not YOU, it's the company culture. Don't ever allow these companies to make you feel guilty for having anxiety / depression / going to the hospital / trying to manage your mental health. Don't ever think YOU'RE responsible for everything bad that happens.

Truth is, when you get sick due to work, YOU'RE the one suffering and facing the consequences, employers can just simply hire someone else in an instant!

You dont OWE a company ANYTHING. You dont owe them loyalty. You just do what you can, the best you can. There shouldn't be manipulation, mind games or exploitation - if you feel any gist of that, you are ALLOWED to leave. Your feelings ARE VALID. Your health is IMPORTANT. A good manager is a manager who takes care of the team - who cares about your wellbeing MORE THAN the work.

We are human beings, we are not machines. We can't work like machines.

Treat people with respect, and you will get all the good juju in the world. I truly believe that.

The point of this post is to share my experience - any of you out there who are brainwashed like me - I urge you to get on Linkedin and start sending emails to other people for other roles. Apply for new jobs. Get out of your situation. Don't wait, the longer you wait and stay miserable, the more intense the PTSD. This is what I wished I could tell my younger self.

Don't ever let anyone tell you you are good enough. You are as good as your managers skills at managing and training! You are not supposed to be overwhelmed. If you are, it's not on you. It's your team. It's how the company is run. It's the higher ups.

It's not you.

No one can flourish when they are bogged down with too much work, anxiety, depression and shitty managers. You can't thrive in a shitty environment. Mental health at work IS SO FREAKING IMPORTANT. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Good luck my friends. I hope this helps someone.

Getting Over The Fear of Chasing Your Dreams / Going for What You want (Part 1)

This topic right here has probably been THE MOST talked about / discussed / requested topic i've EVER gotten on mirronotes. And to be honest, its a topic VERY DEAR to my heart because it's something i've gone through and experienced, analyzed to the core and reflected upon. I will share what I went through so hopefully others can reflect upon my experience and learn from me.

Because once upon a time, I was riddled in self doubt. I was a very scared girl.

In order to share my thoughts on this, imma have to give you some context. Because this issue " FEAR OF CHASING DREAMS" - is not everyone's problem. Ever seen your friend who just DOES THINGS happily, without a thought, and glides in life easily without all these fears pushing them back? Dia nak tu, dia buat tu. Dia nak pergi sana, dia terus pergi sana, dia nak speak up die terus speak up. They dont really UNDERSTAND why some people have trouble *doing* They'll probably be like "Tak paham? You want XYZ just do lah XYZ??? Apa susah sangat??" 😳🙄

Yes those kinda peeps. Very hard for me to talk to that lot sometimes because they just DONT GET the PARALYSIS of this conundrum. Lots of us AREN'T those thrivers and gliders...many of us - due to a variety of reasons - just aren't able to bring ourselves about and GO for what we want.

We might get bogged down due to low self esteem, low self confidence, lack of belief in oneself, lack of support, lack of resources, having other shit to think about because we have extra responsibilities in our family, fear of taking risks because we dont have much to begin with, not knowing how to move forward, not knowing how to start, some of us are heavily criticised if we dont ANYTHING wrong, let alone fail... some of us are even ostrasiced for wanting to go for what we want.

So let me clear on this : IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO HAVE THE BELIEF IN ONESELF THAT ONE CAN GO FOR WHAT THEY WANT. It is privilege to be BORN into the circumstances and the kinda exposure to have self esteem instilled in you at a young age / the kinda support / guidance as a child to believe in these things. So when you grow up, you already know *I can do things* It could be one thing or a combination of things working in your favor during your formative years growing up. You were always told you can, so you never felt held back...It seems like a lot of these "thrivers and gliders" especially the ones who arent able to empathize, are privileged peeps who didn't really have to go thru shit, thats why they cant comprehend others having issues. And when I talk about privilege here - I dont really mean MONEY per say.

Because you can have all the money in the world, all the nicest things growing up, but still be crippled with low self esteem and self doubt if you had the kinda parent that heavily criticised you or controlled you to the point you never learned how to listen to your own inner voice or you never learned how to make mistakes and getting up again because you were so afraid your parents might be angry for making that mistake. In both cases, you just end up feeling like a failure - how to even begin to THINK of chasing your dreams if you grew up in that environment.

In the case of self esteem, money doesn't play that much of a big part in it - it does to a certain extent only - but there are loads of rich people with low self esteem. Anyone can get low self esteem lah, it really depends on your upbringing kaya.

Truth is, self esteem, the ability to GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT, depends on your *CONDITIONING* - which impacts the way you view yourself and the world. Thats the BIGGEST difference between the go getters and the self doubters.

And obviously there's a spectrum to this. Some people doubt themselves more than others. Some people may be more doubtful in certain areas, some not. It really depends on the context. Where are you in this scale? It's good to have a think about this. What are the things that you feel most confident about like "Yeah i can totally do this" vs "Shit ive no idea how to do this and that scares the hell out of me" List it down.

Once upon a time I was a very very scared girl. I call those days my "dark days" From the outside, I was still my bubbly self, but inside, behind closed doors, I was in full depression mode about my life. I knew I wasn't happy (even that took a while to figure out) and I knew I needed to do something. But I didn't know what to do. I was in this phase for years.....at first it was gradual, and then it became more apparent that I was in a hole.

This was the kinda monologue I had :

"This is not the life I wanna live. im stuck. I dont know how to get out of this trajectory. I dont think I have the capability to change the course of my life. I dont even know how to change my life or if that is even possible! I can't move, I can't breathe. How long more do I have to live like this?" I started saying these kinda things in my head once things started to really weigh on me.....It just CREEPS on you and suddenly BAM, life FREAKING SUCKSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

So if you can relate to this, I see you girl.

Once I started to realize (and stop denying) that these negative thoughts weren't good for me.. that it was impacting every aspect of my life, I knew I needed to really make a CHANGE. I started to do so much reflection on WHY is it that im this hole in the first place (cause I had a good job, money, friends all that jazz but I still wasn't happy) and WHAT IS IT THAT IM NOT SEEING ABOUT ME.

It took me so loooooong to understand that I wasn't happy because I was tryina please other people on how I should live my life. That what I was doing with life DOESN'T fulfill me, DOESN'T excite ME - even if to others, it may look like I was excelling and doing "well". Basically I wasn't authentic to MYSELF. I was just pretending. Acting. Playing a role.

Several times i've told my parents I didn't really like how things were going for me in my career / life - but my parents - bless their souls - were the kinda boomers who are like "That's life. Deal with it. You have a job, many people don't. It's already good enough. Make it work. You can do it!" Which is, in some context, good advice - but their advice comes from their own conditioning and worldview - and most importantly - they are not living MY life. They have their own set of values and needs, they are NOT ME. If I want to be happy, I need to go against what they think is best for ME. I had to go against all my *good girl Kak Long anak pertama* conditioning to say NOPE, my parents, in this case, are NOT giving me the kinda advice that will make me happy.

Thats when I learned my first VITAL life lesson. You can't wait for approval, permission or an EPIPHANY to start making changes to your life. Your job is to LISTEN TO YOURSELF first and foremost and then consider what others have to say. CONSIDER, not NECESSARILY to LISTEN / FOLLOW.

So many of us live the kinda lives that we think our parents would want us to live. We do what we know they would approve of. We want their permission and approval to do things, even when we are adults. We feel bad if we go against their wishes. We dont feel good to do anything if we dont get their blessings. If they say one thing, even if we dont agree, it's still kinda there in our heads.

I stayed in my miserable career longer than I needed to because I was listening to my parents advice to just "Suck it up"

Don't get me wrong, I dont blame my parents for anything, they know what they know based on their own life experiences and conditioning. They wanted what was best for me based on what THEY think is the best for me.

But nobody else knows whats best for me except for ME. Nobody else knows whats best for you except for YOU.

My parents were not even demanding or scolding me to follow their advice, they were just casually giving the advice, they probably didn't even think that much of it, it was probably just a random Sunday evening to them, but somehow or another, I put their opinions higher than mine.On a pedestal. And that's not their fault, that was MY fault.

How many times have we NOT done something because we are afraid of what others might say / think? For me, it was my parents opinions - for others, it may be their friends, their peers.....How many times have we waited to get some sort of *green light* from others before we proceeded to do things that made us happy? Even if what we want HAS NO CONNECTION to these other people, somehow we just put their opinions and thoughts above ours, and we allow that to guide us? How many of you have partners who literally CONTROL what we think we can do with our lives. How many of you do things based on what other people are doing / thinking??? Consciously and subconsciously. How many of you are controlled by external validation?

They can *control* all they want - ITS UP TO YOU NOT TO ALLOW IT. It's important to realize, everyone has their own fears and interest, they can have them - we can't stop them from having them, but we can't allow their fears and interests to impede OUR NEEDS, OUR GOALS, OUR DREAMS.

And you can't blame ANYONE but yourself in this. It's very easy to place blame :

"Oh my mom tak bagi I buat ni dulu, so I tak buat lah, so thats why im unhappy"

"Husband I tak support, so I pun tak buat lah"

But then you end up bitter AF.

Lots of us are scared to go for what we want because of this main reason. Some of us even USE THIS REASON for not going for what we want. Some of us have been conditioned soooo severely that even thinking about doing things NOT in the *approved list of your community* scares the shit out of us. Whatever your reason may be - your HAPPINESS, is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOUR DREAMS ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Stop WAITING around for support / permission / approval from others to do whats best for you. If they truly cared about your well being, they should understand. This is not about them - it's about you. Especially if what you are doing doesn't really affect their lives. You have to be your own cheerleader. You have to validate your own needs. Not everyone gets support - so create that support for yourself FROM YOURSELF. Be your own cheerleader.

Not caring about what others think, and listening to your own INNER voice is the first lesson of GOING FOR WHAT YOU WANT. It is THE FOUNDATION of everything you're about to do. You need to first believe in yourself, your voice, your opinions, your needs, your worth, to be able to even do ANYTHING worthwhile for yourself.

Because believe me, the moment you go for what you want, THIS SUPERPOWER, is VITAL in your survivability on chasing your dreams. Yes I said that right SURVIVABILITY.

Chasing your dreams is a JOURNEY. And it's pretty hard. It doesn't happen overnight - even knowing what you want doesn't happen overnight. It could literally take YEARS to even figure out what your dream is, let alone make plans to chase them.

So having your own back is THE FIRST STEP EVER in making this happen. You will make a lot of mistakes and go through lots of obstacles. People are gonna say shit. People are gonna discourage. People are gonna be weird. Thats just how it is. It is up to you to believe in yourself and LITERALLY DEFEND your dreams. Some people are lucky - I know I have been. I have had many supporters on my way to chase my own dreams - but gurrrlllll so many of them became supporters ONLY AFTER the dream was semi achieved. Lots of people were very "tak paham" when I first started chasing my own dream (which at the time was quitting my corporate life and being an free spirited artist - which to a lot of people who aren't familiar with the arts - is a crazy dream yang tak masuk akal and I got a lot of judgement)

There's so many more things I want to touch on about "Chasing Dreams" but this is the FIRST MOST IMPORTANT step we have to be clear about. You cant chase any dreams if you dont FIRST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

So how to start believing in yourself???? How to make yourself more confident? How to stop caring what other people think?

First of all, its awareness. AWARENESS IS KEY. You need a journal, online journal, physical journal - doesn't matter - do whats easiest for you. For me, I have a Notes App where I write down my thoughts. We need a journal because we need to read back what we wrote and analyze ourselves. We need to understand our situation and WHY we're in our situation if we wanna help ourselves.

If you haven't started on your dreams because you're scared about what others may think, you put other peoples opinions about yourself above you, or because you doubt yourself and your capabilities - you need to understand the WHY. Reflect about this. Ask yourself how you got there. You gotta dig deep and find the source of this low self esteem before you can even tackle it.

In my experience, I doubted myself because I always needed my parents approval before I did something. When I wasn't given the "approval" or "permission" I delayed thinking about making changes, and I also started to believe I didnt have the capability to chase my dreams in the first place. Once I realized I had to champion myself, and that I was forever going to be unhappy if I didn't help myself, and if I waited until other people change their mind I could wait forever, I made a decision to do what I felt was right - which was validate myself that I had to make these changes without the support I needed - and go to the next part of chasing my dreams - FIGURING OUT WHAT THE DREAM WAS AND MAKING A PLAN TO GET THERE. I felt my self esteem rise up a tiny notch the moment I had this awareness.

Self esteem doesn't just happen overnight, being sure about your dream doesn't happen overnight, having the confidence doesn't happen overnight either - its in the small steps. The progress is tiny and slow - but most importantly THERE IS PROGRESS. Little by little.

My favorite quote ever is SIKIT SIKIT LAMA LAMA JADI BUKIT. Because that's how ive been living my whole life.

Once you've conditioned your brain to believe YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE A CHOICE, slowly but surely all the limitations you place on yourself would disappear bit by bit.

There's a lot to touch on when it comes to this subject, and most definitely it wont be finished here in one blogpost.

The next part of this series is HOW TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF...

How I went from doubting myself, being depressed on the couch and at work - to thinking of my dreams, making plans, and making moves. It's important to note it took several years for me to even formulate what my dream was let alone make proper plans for it. I had no money and support so I didn't have the luxury of just quitting and chasing. I had to plan it all out. But at least I had a plan. That in itself already made me feel good about my life and slowly put me out of the depression. Some of you already know what you wanna do, but some of you don't. Either way, you need a plan. That's what i'll share in part two.

For the time being, if this post relates to you - think about all that I have said and how it relates to your life, and your beliefs. Of course - there is NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL solution - we all live different lives, but ALL OF US, on some level, care about what others think of us. So much so that we stop ourselves from living the life that we want. How much do other peoples opinions affect you? Who do you need approval and permission from? And why? If you make a mistake, who's pointing fingers at you? Why are they doing that? Why do you doubt yourself? What happened for you to believe that you dont have what it takes? It's good to just write this all out in your journal. Don't think so much, just write. Then keep it. Later in the week, re-read what you wrote and write new reflections. The objective is to understand yourself so you can make changes.

I also would like to stress that if you are going through depression, or even if you think you are, but you aren't sure, you should get professional help. In my IG highlights on @mirronotes I have compiled a list of "Therapists" you can refer to that to seek HELP. There is no shame in seeking help. I go to therapy regularly now to help me with life. I see it as a professional helping me with my mental health, the same as a personal trainer would help me at the gym. If you're paying a hair dresser to give you the best hair, pay a therapist to give you the best mindset.

And with that, I end my first post!

I hope this helps someone out there. Leave a comment below if it does! I'd love to hear your thoughts.

XOXO,

Bukan Gossip Girl.